"What is it, Dr. Heimlich, you waking-up type person?"
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Mitch Hedberg
"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
RIP, Mitch
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Patton Oswalt
"Also, if you throw a midget into a tub of hot water, he makes sleepy-time tea! Aww, isn't that great? A big tub of camomille, thanks Mr. Scoops."
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Pablo Francisco
"Did you know that they're actually coming out now with another Friday the 13th movie? Can you believe that? Those kids are so easy to kill. You can strangle them with a cordless phone, you know what I'm talkin' about?"
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Megan Mooney
"When you need to remove yourself from your group of friends to come up with a strategy for sounding sober enough to be served more alcohol...the fun is behind you."
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Demetri Martin
"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
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Jim Gaffigan
"Chip chop chip."
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Dane Cook
"...has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy..."
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Dave Attell
"Turn off your wipers. It's not raining, you're in the ocean."
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