Ways to be Born

• Whack-a-Mole Style
  Pop your head out then go back in. Do it repeatedly and the doctors and nurses will start grabbing at you. Be born a tease.

• Criminal Suspect Style
  Come out with your hands up. Say "Look, I didn't do it." You're marked for life as a suspectable person and you may come out of anything with your hands up. Your buddies will know you as that zany paranoid guy.

• Not Ready Yet Style
  “Hey I’m changing in here. Just let me find some clothes and I’ll be out in a bit.” Does it really take you 20 minutes to be born? Fetuses... I know, right?

• Jaws of Pre-Life
  Come halfway out then scream “It’s pulling me back in!” If you do it convincingly Michael Bay will send a rag tag team of six to explore the foreboding caverns of your mother. Only one will come out alive (hopefully it's you).

• Protector Style
  Stay inside and tell your mother “I’ll be the rape defense system.” She might like it. You'll be both a mama's boy and a real person of character. Way to stick it to the man.

• Don't Bother Style
  Hang a do not disturb sign and make sounds of a mattress bouncing. Look, you're busy and not a fan of the drop ins. Tell them to call ahead of time.

• Preemptive Birth Style
  Come out two weeks early and yell “surprise!” They would like it. If you have the connections, make it like a prank show. Maybe when you grow up, you'll be an embarrassment to your parents -- this way you could steal their thunder and tell them they were a good sport. Have those waivers ready.

• Like a Cannibal Glutton
  “I was hungry so I ate the other six.” Besides, you don't need that many eyeglass-wearing siblings that soon. Pace yourself out, mom. In the meantime, eat, drink, and be merry.

• The Wrong Number
  “Sorry, wrong vagina. You want the lady two rooms down.” Not only that, but that's not your real mother. That's when you realize you were adopted. Then put inside someone's womb. What are you, some kind of trophy to show off at the club? Womb candy?

• The Nested Births
  Come out then immediately give birth to another smaller baby, then repeat. I saw Chris Angel do this and I was blown away.

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