Joke of the Day
By 
Introduction
These are some jokes that I get a tickle out of. I'll try to update daily. Vote for your favorite.
24
Catfish and Lawyers
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
5 votes / 2.92%
5 voters chose this item.
23
Dragging Their Feet
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
4 votes / 2.33%
4 voters chose this item.
22
Dynomite
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
6 votes / 3.5%
6 voters chose this item.
21
Sensitive Beer
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
8 votes / 4.67%
8 voters chose this item.
20
That's A Buncha Bull
A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.
"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."
"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."
5 votes / 2.92%
5 voters chose this item.
19
Don't kick the Animals
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
11 votes / 6.43%
11 voters chose this item.
18
A Whale Tale
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him so he asked her what was wrong.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him so he asked her what was wrong.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
11 votes / 6.43%
11 voters chose this item.
17
Meet the Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
9 votes / 5.26%
9 voters chose this item.
16
Hide the Duke
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
8 votes / 4.67%
8 voters chose this item.
15
The Cuckoo Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the dog and farted."
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the dog and farted."
10 votes / 5.84%
10 voters chose this item.
14
The Bottom Line
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
8 votes / 4.67%
8 voters chose this item.
13
Totally Bats
Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."
6 votes / 3.5%
6 voters chose this item.
12
Milking It
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
7 votes / 4.09%
7 voters chose this item.
11
The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
10
Little Nancy's Pet
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
5 votes / 2.92%
5 voters chose this item.
9
Donkey and Onion
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
7 votes / 4.09%
7 voters chose this item.
8
Under the Influence
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''
8 votes / 4.67%
8 voters chose this item.
7
Irish Pub Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
5 votes / 2.92%
5 voters chose this item.
6
Babebraham Lincoln
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
7 votes / 4.09%
7 voters chose this item.
5
My Father, the Whorehouse Piano Player
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
6 votes / 3.5%
6 voters chose this item.
4
State Trooper
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."
The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'" The old lady nods her head, "Yup."
The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."
The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."
The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'" The old lady nods her head, "Yup."
The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."
The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
5 votes / 2.92%
5 voters chose this item.
3
Bus Stop Blondes
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''
The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''
The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''
5 votes / 2.92%
5 voters chose this item.
2
Lightbulbs - Californians
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.
Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.
8 votes / 4.67%
8 voters chose this item.
1
The Wrinkled Nightgown
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
11 votes / 6.43%
11 voters chose this item.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nametag that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says.......
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." :-D
I know it's a real groaner, but you all know how I like wordplay.
Great list, Norm! I'm enjoying your daily dose of humor. :)
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says.......
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." :-D
I know it's a real groaner, but you all know how I like wordplay.
Great list, Norm! I'm enjoying your daily dose of humor. :)
Gratefuldaisy,
I love it. It's always nice to laugh in the morning.
Norm
I love it. It's always nice to laugh in the morning.
Norm
This one is for the oldsters. My dad told this one to me years (and years) ago.
Tony died and went to Heaven.
He was issued with wings and a harp, and given a golden voice, so he could sing with the Heavenly Host.
One day, Tony happened to think of his old friend, Stanley Fran.
"Hmmm," he thought, "I haven't seen Stan around. He must have died by now."
So Tony flew over to the Pearly Gates, and asked St Peter about Stan.
St. Peter looked up Stan's name in his giant book. He shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, looks like Stan didn't make it here. He's in hell."
"Oh dear!" Tony said. "Stan and I were such great friends, and now I'll never see him again!"
"Well," said St. Peter, "there is a way you can see him from time to time."
"Really!" said Tony. "How?"
"Every Tuesday, we have a deal with the Devil .... No wait! I didn't mean it that way! We have an agreement that folks from Heaven can visit their friends in Hell, but there is a condition. They must be back in Heaven by midnight, complete with all their gear, or they will be stuck in Hell for Eternity!"
Well Tony reported for the trip to Hell early on the next Tuesday. When he arrived there, he looked around. There were folks bustling here and there, big office towers, traffic jams. He wasn't sure how he was going to find Stan.
Tony asked around to see if anyone knew his old friend Stan. He finally met a woman who did.
She said, "Oh! Yeah, I know him. He runs a disco one block over. You can't miss it!"
So away Tony went, and soon saw a big neon sign saying "Stan Fran's Disco!" Tony went in, and there he was, his old pal, Stan! They talked and talked, and they lost all track of time.
Suddenly, Stan glanced over at the clock, and said, "Hey! You've only got 15 minutes to get back to Heaven. You'd better get going!"
Yikes! 15 minutes! Tony knew he was going to have to hurry. So he took off and flew like mad, all the way back to the Pearly Gates. The clock there said 11:59! Whew!
But as he tried to pass through the Gates, they swung shut! "What's this?" Tony cried.
"Sorry!" said St Peter. "You're not complete!"
Tony looked around and realized what he had done.
He cried out with his golden voice........
"Oh no! I left my harp in Stan Fran's Disco!"
The list is great, Norm. Look forward to it every day. Thanks!
Tony died and went to Heaven.
He was issued with wings and a harp, and given a golden voice, so he could sing with the Heavenly Host.
One day, Tony happened to think of his old friend, Stanley Fran.
"Hmmm," he thought, "I haven't seen Stan around. He must have died by now."
So Tony flew over to the Pearly Gates, and asked St Peter about Stan.
St. Peter looked up Stan's name in his giant book. He shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, looks like Stan didn't make it here. He's in hell."
"Oh dear!" Tony said. "Stan and I were such great friends, and now I'll never see him again!"
"Well," said St. Peter, "there is a way you can see him from time to time."
"Really!" said Tony. "How?"
"Every Tuesday, we have a deal with the Devil .... No wait! I didn't mean it that way! We have an agreement that folks from Heaven can visit their friends in Hell, but there is a condition. They must be back in Heaven by midnight, complete with all their gear, or they will be stuck in Hell for Eternity!"
Well Tony reported for the trip to Hell early on the next Tuesday. When he arrived there, he looked around. There were folks bustling here and there, big office towers, traffic jams. He wasn't sure how he was going to find Stan.
Tony asked around to see if anyone knew his old friend Stan. He finally met a woman who did.
She said, "Oh! Yeah, I know him. He runs a disco one block over. You can't miss it!"
So away Tony went, and soon saw a big neon sign saying "Stan Fran's Disco!" Tony went in, and there he was, his old pal, Stan! They talked and talked, and they lost all track of time.
Suddenly, Stan glanced over at the clock, and said, "Hey! You've only got 15 minutes to get back to Heaven. You'd better get going!"
Yikes! 15 minutes! Tony knew he was going to have to hurry. So he took off and flew like mad, all the way back to the Pearly Gates. The clock there said 11:59! Whew!
But as he tried to pass through the Gates, they swung shut! "What's this?" Tony cried.
"Sorry!" said St Peter. "You're not complete!"
Tony looked around and realized what he had done.
He cried out with his golden voice........
"Oh no! I left my harp in Stan Fran's Disco!"
The list is great, Norm. Look forward to it every day. Thanks!
:)
GREAT list. Including comments!
I like #10. :-)
I like #10. :-)
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, the woman is at first very happy, but then she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "Don't be silly, dear. They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Now you all know why, when someone asks me if I've heard any good jokes lately, my sons run and hide. :-)
Upon receiving the picture, the woman is at first very happy, but then she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "Don't be silly, dear. They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Now you all know why, when someone asks me if I've heard any good jokes lately, my sons run and hide. :-)
Oh no! Daisy's back with another bad pun!
Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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