Life Lessons I Learned from TV

It is perfectly okay to stand in the middle of the street while a car is careening toward me. It will stop one inch in front of me.

I ever receive a call in the middle of the night, I must answer it with a groggy "Hello?" and turn on the lamp on my nightstand. This will awake my significant other who will turn over and grumble or get up and go to the bathroom. The person calling will always be going through a crisis, which I will be more than happy to talk about. I will either put on a coat over my pajamas and visit said person or tell them "everything will be okay" and promise to call them in the morning.

Everyone can type flawlessly without looking at the keyboard whether they are a secretary or a middle schooler. No one ever uses the backspace button. And typing should only be done at night or in a dark room so the computer can cast a blue glow on my concerned face.

If for some reason I need $5,000 immediately there will inevitably be a contest for which the first place prize is exactly $5,000. I will of course win said contest.

If I am in desperate need of information or help there will be a sassy black woman at the front desk who will no doubt be confrontational and overweight. If I woo her with my charm and she will slap the files I need on the counter.

When I have bad news it will invariably be accompanied by a loud thunderclap. This natural phenomenon also happens when someone evil walks into the room.

Genital herpes doesn't mean my life is over.

Every elevator has a "door close" button that works immediately. Also, elevators do not have sensors and will not reopen if something is lodged between the doors. My hand, briefcase, or tie will of course will be caught in the doors.

If there is a scandal or crime scene there will be only one reporter and a camera man. The reporter will be a bitchy woman with no detectable morals and the cameraman will be a black guy with a funky hat.

Showers are always sexy and strategically steamy. If I am a woman, I will lean my head to the side and rub my hair a few times. My hair will be instantly dry. However, if the shower is dark and moody, I will be killed or raped in the next 5 minutes.

If I'm on a game show and yell out something completely insane, my family will think it is a "good answer" and clap supportively.

Bars and clubs are surprisingly spacious and well-lit and no one has to scream to hear each other.

Reporters always have a bottle of hooch in their bottom desk drawer.

Everyone in high school looks 35 and it is perfectly normal to sleep with the teacher.

If I ask "Is anybody there?" there is likely somebody there -- who wants to kill me.

All colleges have one classroom, one outdoor area and one place where everyone hangs out.

All scientists work in dark labs where the only light comes from glowing consoles and a desk lamp.

Everyone charged with a crime will blab a confession until their lawyer barges in and tells them not to say another word. They will eventually go against the lawyer's advice and blab everything.

If I am trapped in a basement with a person I don't get along with, which I inevitably will be, we will work out our differences until somebody discovers us.

There is no other part of New York besides Manhattan, no other part of Miami besides South Beach and everyone in Texas wears cowboy hats.

If a dog is claimed by two owners, the best way to decide propriety is for the two people to call the dog at the same time. "Hey Sparky! Come here Sparky!" seems to work exceptionally well.

Everyone knows how to use a microfiche and will find the clipping of the mysterious death they are investigating within a few minutes.

Taxi drivers are psychic. If I want to hail a cab all I have to do is think about it and give a slight wave of my hand and a cabbie will appear and will wait patiently for me to end my conversation with my significant other.

If a major, yet comedic catastrophe happens it will be resolved in either 30 minutes or an hour.