Airports: My Favorite Rules in Them

Keep them in little bottles, like you live in a hotel mini-fridge. Put them in a transparent plastic bag. Bury them under a tree for five years. Bake at 400 degrees for three minutes, then insert them like a suppository, and hope for the best.

No scissors, knives, swords, sharpened nun chucks, or nail clippers. You can spot a jet setter by their long nails that curl like a Guinness world record.

Keep them in little bottles, like you live in a hotel mini-fridge. Put them in a transparent plastic bag. Bury them under a tree for five years. Bake at 400 degrees for three minutes, then insert them like a suppository, and hope for the best.

Always make sure you keep your money safe in that thin fanny pack that blends into your skin if you were white and had a canvas like body.

If someone around you in the plane is being obnoxious through sound, size, or smell, just swipe your credit card through that slot in the back of the headrest in front of you. I think that's what it's for. The person next to me does that a lot, after I tell him the ending of the movies he's watching. Also, I smell like Depression era shoes.

Complain about how they don't have airplane peanuts anymore, secretly so you could use your old stand up material about airplane peanuts. Then swipe your card through that slot again.

You know what, I've been thinking about this. Why don't they have airplane peanuts anymore? Is it so people will stop using them in their stand up? What's the deal?!

I mean, come on. Seriously, I love peanuts. I also love how hard it is to open those little things. And how when I finally do open them, I've already reached the destination. Not that it mattered, since there were only two peanuts in the first place. What's the deal?!

If any airport employee bothers you, just lean in and whisper "it's alright, I'm an air marshal. Incognito." Hopefully you don't have to explain why you don't look fit enough to subdue an enemy. In case the plane gets hi-jacked, and everyone looks to you, just shrug. Shrug and then use the shampoo you've stored in your body cavity, your long nails, and throw a small child at them. That should do the trick.