Top 10 Stupid Things Said in Sports

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” - Winston Bennett, of the college basketball milieu. Clearly we are doing a fantastic job educating our college athletes. Certainly there is no letting ‘em slide without the basic anatomical understanding one gains in 9th grade biology, or perhaps even 5th grade science. It’s actually good news, as Mr. Bennett did spontaneously sprout several additional knees whilst serving the University of Kentucky. Allegedly, the knee on his chin did result in further surgical procedures.

“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” - Dizzy Dean, post ’34 World Series injury. Somehow after simply considering this sentence was uttered in the first place, its content is not surprising. I’d be remiss if I didn’t sneak in a second Dean quote—not part of the official list but wholly understandable given there’s nothing in his noggin’: “Fans, don’t fail to miss tomorrow’s game.” Yep, Dizzy. Yep.

“A nickel ain’t worth a dime any more.” - Yogi Berra. Virtually everything that emanates from Yogi’s mouth, from speeches to press conferences to local car dealership ads, is fantastic entertainment. I’m beginning to wonder if batting helmets aren’t lined with some sort of toxic material that renders most baseball players borderline learning challenged. But, he’s certainly correct: a nickel ain’t worth a dime. Though I believe this is a rip-off of other popular financial mottos such as “A shilling is no longer valued the same as a sixpence in present days, old chap.”

“I just love sitting on my bulldozer and experiencing nature.” - Gary Player, golfer and golf course developer. There’s no better way to commune with nature than sitting atop a bulldozer poised to rip out a chunk of flora-rich earth—and, if you’re lucky, several grazing fauna. Who needs a forest when you could have an expanse of monotonous grass punctuated by the occasional oasis of boring sand and large stagnant puddles? I suspect if the weather was more agreeable, Mr. Player would have been admiring the rainforests from atop his bulldozer, too.

“Folks, this is perfect weather for today’s game. Not a breath of air.” - Curt Gowdy, sports commentator. I am officially blaming this sort of weather for the LA Galaxy’s abysmal performance in yesterday’s match against the conquerable Colorado Rapids. No oxygen + no Becks equals guaranteed failure. In fact, I think I’ll go a step further and chastise Colorado for not providing oxygen masks to all Los Angeles players. Frank Yallop might as well be unconscious for the amount of coaching he does nowadays, so they needn’t spring for him.

“It isn’t like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids.”- Ron Meyer, Colts coach. I’ve always wondered where tabloids originated, and it makes total sense that Moses was to blame. You’d want a few good paparazzi around to cover something as taxing as parting the Red Sea. That fiery bush? Hidden photographer and flash bulbs. Thanks, Ron Meyer, for your invaluable contributions to theology.

“If you think the football game was exciting, wait until you hear the report from Tom Aspell from Amman, Jordan.” - Tom Brokaw. What’s amazing about this is that they even bothered to broadcast the war at all during football season. Haven’t bigger wars been preempted by tennis? Perhaps a gridiron field is the key missing element in our involvement in Iraq. We’d pay way more attention if we sent our professional football teams to play in Baghdad.

“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” - Chuck Nevitt, another college basketball player. This one made “Sports Illustrated”, and with good reason. They weren’t quite sure if they could anticipate Nevitt’s participation in their upcoming “Swimsuit Edition”.

“Now Juantorena opens his legs and really shows his class.” - David Coleman, Olympic commentator. Going back to the “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition”…So how have I missed this Olympic event? Millions more would tune in to the largely ignored summer Olympics if this was given additional coverage. But only if the track athletes wore bikinis.

“Toronto hockey fans will be glad to learn that their goalie made his first girl ever in the last ten seconds of play.” - Unnamed hockey commentator. What the hell is going on in sports? I thought that episode of “The Golden Girls” where Blanche made her baseballer plaything wear frilly lingerie beneath his uniform and converted him to a full-blown transvestite was fiction. Please Mr. Sunshine, make the shadow of doubt go away!