What's the deal with HAIR?!

All it does is come out of skin. I don't shave my eyeballs.

I mean when I want to brush my teeth, I really want to brush my teeth! You know? When I see hair in my salad, the only thing I want to think is "Man, I should brush more!"

I don't want a mustache. I want a mouthstache!

People who lose it too easily find ways to replace it. People who grow it too easily are constantly shaving. I mean come on--stop the insanity!

You cut it, it keeps growing. Can't it take a hint? Hair is like a stalker boyfriend or a telemarketer. I would like to call the cops on my hair, or at least the better business bureau. I would like to get a court order to stay four inches out of my body. No further than that or I'm keeping the kids.

Come on!

What's the deal with hair turning gray when you're older? Shouldn't it have wrinkles? When I'm in my 50's I'd prefer a full head of hair that looks like it was crimped. Dyeing white hair, I'd still be living the past.

Why does hair eventually grow in my ears? Does it really have anything important to say? I get it, you won't stop coming out of my skin. Done--there's nothing else to say.