My Pet Peeves

Does anyone really enjoy this? Most people older than 10 find it either annoying or embarrassing, and most people younger than 10 just cry. And I've never worked at a restaurant, but I'm pretty sure the waitstaff doesn't exactly look forward to this ordeal either. And if I'm a fellow patron at the place, I don't give a rat's ass if it's Timmy's 8th birthday and he's getting a sundae, so can you please take him to the soundproof booth and sing your goddam song?

WTF does this mean? Webster's defines it as: "the level of development (as of a device, procedure, process, technique, or science) reached at any particular time usually as a result of modern methods." OK that doesn't really help me too much. I think what really gets under my skin is that people overuse this term: "Oh, our facilities are so state-of-the-art," or, "Using state-of-the-art equipment, the scientists were able to see up each other's asses." Gimme a break, come up with something original.

You know, when you dunk an Oreo cookie in a glass of milk (which is one of the greatest things in the world, provided the milk is really cold) and you try to soak up the maximum possible amount of milk in the cookie, but then when you go to pull it out at the last minute it falls apart and all you're left with is a disappointing bit of black mush in between your thumb and forefinger, and the rest of the cookie sinks to the bottom of the glass, only to be retrieved when you're done with the milk.

When you watch and hear someone bite into a popsicle with their front teeth and it just makes you cringe and shiver.

Curse you, Bill Keane...

Detective Sipowicz, I presume?

Think about it: Trash bags are garbage the instant you put them in the can. It's almost as though you're buying neatly packaged trash at the store.

These are the people who set their cell phones to vibrate in a movie or lecture for the sole purpose of not disturbing others, but then go ahead and answer it when it vibrates and carry on a conversation for a few minutes.

Please, I'm not going to ask you again...when you stuff gobs of crap into that hole under your nose (as Tom Highway would say), keep it shut until you swallow. Remember, you're not supposed to let anyone see you masticating.

You know when you're in an elevator that's half full at most, the doors open and one guy is waiting, and he sort of stutter steps toward the door but then sees that there are a whopping five people inside, so he says, "I'll just catch the next one." Fucking pussy! Just get on! You already made us stop at your floor; don't make it be for nothing!

No, not the cliche one with the squeaky wheel that doesn't touch the ground and just swivels freely in the air; the one I hate is the cart with the single wheel that is in a perpetual state of being stuck, so you tend to veer a little to one side or just go in circles. Don't even try to use these, just fucking swap it out immediately.

Come on the rest of you guys, you really expect me to believe you've never pissed in the shower? Just own up and promise your girl you'll never do it again.

This is the person who is eating greasy or otherwise sloppy food with their hands (e.g. ribs, fried chicken), and when they're done with one piece they audibly suck the slop off each individual finger with their mouths. It's not the fact that they put their fingers in their mouths, it's the fact that they always seem to be trying to be as loud as possible with the sucking and smacking. These people are usually serial belchers as well.

That's just one accessory that is senseless if you don't have the money to maintain your car or have a decent car to begin with. Others include undercarriage neon, billet grills, tire flies, and aftermarket spoilers. Tricking out a '92 Geo Metro will not turn it into a new Mercedes, so please spend your money on something else. If you do use these accessories, please go ahead and get a privacy tint on every window in your car so nobody will have to look at the idiot who wasted a car payment on Sprewells from Wal-Mart.

I used to see people driving down the street with their "hands-free" headset plugged into their cell. Not the new Bluetooth ones, these were actually hardwired into the phone. They're still around. It wasn't the headset that pissed me off, it was the fact that I would see people holding the inline mouthpiece up to their mouths with their hand. Hands-free. HANDS-FREE. H-A-N-D-S-F-R-E-E.

This is the douchebag that is too good for your door-holding courtesy. When you hold the door open for him or her, he or she will either push it open even more just to show they don't need you, or go in a completely different door. They might as well go in the different door, turn right to me, kick me in the nuts, and spit on me as I crumple to the ground.

This is self-explanatory, and if you are one, I will just let you know you are also an asshole. I propose vibration-sensitive strap-on collars (like the ones that go on noisy dogs) that link to a shock system within the seats at all theaters to ensure peace and quiet during the movie, which includes the previews for all you silence-challenged individuals out there.

Let me set up this scenario: You're with your significant other at a tourist attraction, and they want their picture taken in front of said attraction. They carefully pick their spot and pose goofily, while you back up ten paces to fit the entire scene into the viewfinder of your camera or camcorder. Of course, you're not going to expect everyone to see you doing this and alter their course of ambulation; however, the half-assed ducker will walk right in front of you and somehow only when they are directly in your picture or video will notice they are in no-man's land. This causes them to freeze and look at you. They get their name from the next action: They always do the slight duck down, whether it be a simple leg bend, a shoulder and head duck, or a combination. Then they make a noise like, "oooh," or that sucking wind noise people make when they see someone break a bone or something. These noises are probably meant as some sort of instinctual apology for their actions, but do they really think they're getting out of the way by doing the ducking thing? They might as well realize they're in the picture and just look annoyed, turn to the camera and flip you right off. I'm waiting for just one person to realize they're in the shot and just hit the deck like a soldier on a battlefield, then I could take my picture, they could get up, dust themselves off, and be on their way. Now that would make up for anything.