Top Ten Jobs for Karl Rove

So accustomed to cleaning-up a presidential mess, Karl Rove boasts a resume perfect for this position. The San Diego Zoo lets animals roam in the wild and Karl is more than pleased to follow the behinds of these beasts, sniffing the first scent of grime, and quickly disposing of the mess before the tourist-caravans catch a glimpse. While I can’t quite see him in Safari gear, Karl has one of those enviably versatile bodies. I'm sure he can work it.

Karl, we know you whole-heartedly love Marc Jacobs, art deco revival and chick lit. We understand that, despite the blunders of the Iraq War, failed economy and just about everything else, you love fuzzy animals. Most of all, we know that you have insecurities, too, and, no, you don’t look fat. In your new tell-all book, you can make George Stephanopoulos’ 1999 memoir look like Pig-Latin next to your turns of language and sly witticisms. Show that you feel, show how you move – and most of all, never let go. This is your time to shine, with or without a Prada tote bag.

Maybe Cristal didn’t know how to reach out to the hip-hop generation but Karl has all the right moves. His new Sean John apparel (and his wife admits to loving Baby Phat) should speak volumes. To become a hip-hop mogul, Karl should start his own label (Karl Is A Bad-Ass, Inc), a clothing-line (Karl is Badder Than You, Inc.) and, finally, a political campaign (Vote Republican, or Lack Hyphy Style). In all, Karl will become the baddest, wickedest, most senile and useless member of the hip-hop community to date.

This man knows how to cover up mistakes. Let him draw a “scene” for you, inspired by Cezanne, with such wide brush-strokes, such flashes of color and light, that you are too awed to notice the blotch of red state smeared in the corner. Rove spits on the Guggenheim, MOMA, and the Met. He’s so real that he likes to show his work in Brooklyn, or any cul-de-sac location, and he’s been telling people lately that he’s really inspired by the “material waste of life.” Very deep, I think.

Kindergarteners are still babies. They pout, they cry, and, like many of Mr. Rove’s former clients, they must have simple concepts explained to them – again and again. While Mr. Rove may need to switch up his literature, trashing the neo-conservative propaganda for some good ‘ole Santa Claus tales, the basic truth is that he’s still going to keep things quick and easy.

After spending so much time trying to convince Americans that, Hey, it’s not that bad in the Middle East, Mr. Rove can up the ante with his own series of travel books. Explore the wonders of the Sunni Triangle, vacation in Basra, or, for the more adventurous, hitchhike to Tehran. Karl lets us know the inside scoop on places to take the family (even Grandma). This man is an Anthony Bourdain, Travel Channel and foreigner dispatcher all rolled into one.

Why not?

If you have yet to see clips of this man boogy down, go to Youtube right away. If you already have, you know what I am talking about. I haven’t yet decided if she should go in the avant-garde, modern dance direction or …well, you know, the luscious, MTV booty-shakin’ path. But, either way, his debut will be a splash.

Like any respectable Weather Man, he gets his predictions all wrong. Sunny when it’s cloudy and drizzling when it’s supposed to be a sunny, Mr. Rove can spit out the best and brightest sound bites for years to come. He’s also humble, which is a good thing. For years, he downplayed his role in the Bush Administration and, for a position always taking back-seat to news anchor, a Weather Man has got to know when to lay low and take a long coffee break.

Hey, it’s a full-time job. Anyway, why should he have it any better than those of us struggling to find decent jobs in this slow, discouraging economy? Karl can add style and substance to the highly-coveted position of the unemployed man.