Top 10 Stupid Things Said in Politics

“Every pint bottle should contain a quart.” – Sir Boyle Roche, Tralee M.P. from centuries past. Indeed, every lover of a good pint would be pleased as punch if pints did in fact contain quarts. Imagine the money saved on a binge! I suspect the esteemed M.P. might’ve had a few pints himself before tackling this complicated geometric issue, which requires about a 3rd grade student mentality to master.

“In every country the Communists have taken over, the first thing they do is outlaw cockfighting.” – John Monks, representative from Oklahoma. I think this statement has legs. Perhaps the solution to the Michael Vick controversy is to let the reds out from under our beds. I have also heard rumors that Gonzo the Muppet is a raving communist; thus the answer to the long-standing question of why the hell he loves up a chicken at every opportunity.

“Democracy: A government of the masses … Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic—negating property rights … Result is demogogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.” – US Army training manual. Nevermind that this quote reads like a train wreck inside an SAT vocabulary book. This is what everybody asserts the armed forces fight to protect? Nothing says “morale boost” like telling a soldier he’s laying his life on the line for a morsel of discontent and anarchy.

“It was a mistake. It shows a lack of politeness to kill people when the Pope asks us not to do it.” – Guatemalan government official. What a faux pas! Talk about egg on their faces. This one ought to go straight to the blooper reel. Sadly, my research has not yet uncovered any doctrine for Papal dispensation of bloodshed, such as the Feast of Political Prisoner Slaughter.

“Against every bone in my body, I’m sitting here twisting my arms.” – Claude De Bruhl, North Carolina legislator. See, if this was the sort of entertainment on offer over at CSPAN(s), a lot more of us would tune in. If he could add a few juggling pins and a trained seal, I think state governments would have far more clout.

“[The US Navy] urgently needs modern musicians.” – Michael Dukakis. We need to clone the sailors from the Village People, stat! The current United States Navy Band covers of “In the Navy” are simply a disgrace. No wonder America’s viewed so poorly around the world.

“Some programs have been theatrical masterpieces, but all we’re seeing is the negative side of nuclear war.” Barry Goldwater, Arizona Senator. So true. Nobody ever writes about all the great things you can accomplish with the several additional limbs you’ll sprout from exposure to nuclear radiation. It’s that Hollywood bias rearing its ugly head (two heads, if we nuke ‘em).

“Some sinister force had come in and applied the other energy source and taken care of the information on the tape.” – Alexander Haig on the Nixon tapes. I’ve been warning you all for ages, people. The Sith are alive and well in American politics. It’s only a shame they botched the job; Nixon was poised to take the helm of a Death Star. Commander in Chief, indeed.

“I desire the Poles carnally.” – Jimmy Carter, botching a speech in Polish. This had Clintonesque scandal potential, and I am sorely disappointed in Carter for dropping the ball. It would have made such a fine matching set with the whole killer rabbit thing. Monty Python could not have created a better presidency.

“We’re finally going to wrassle to the ground this giant orgasm that is just out of control.” – Dennis DeConcini, Arizona Senator. Paging Dr. Ruth! I had no idea a balanced budget was just one enormous orgasm run amok, but now I’m going to excuse myself and get my chequebook. I think my financial affairs could use a little attention.