Films Guaranteed Not To Make You Laugh
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Introduction
Now, give me some credit, I watch a wide variety of movies and I've got a liking for some, admittedly, quirky comedies but I've encountered a few in my lifetime that make me want to smack the writer, director, creator, producer, actors, actresses, the crew, well you get the point. In other words, they should all be psychologically evaluated for even having thought of participating in these and if any one of you wants to pipe up and say you like one (or all) of the movies on this list, that's perfectly within your right but it makes you no less in need of a knock on the head.
To me, there is still a big difference between intentional silliness and brain dead idiocy. This list is in no particular order because I consider myself to be an equal opportunity snark. Any suggestions to add to the list? Bring it on. I am by no means an authority on the subject, as you might as have guessed, I just have opinions, as we all do and I freely exercise my right to them.
Napolean Dynamite (2004)
Vote for Pedro? Why? The world may never (really) know. It's like the tootsie pop, might as well just take a honkin bite out of it and be done. It's not worth the time spent figuring it out. Jon Heder, bless his heart though he's tried, will never get away from having his photograph permanently next to the name of this character. The tagline of "He's out to prove he's got nothing to prove" sums up this one about as well as Seinfeld's mantra of being "A show about nothing".
I always knew there was a reason I don't vote.
I always knew there was a reason I don't vote.
Master of Disguise (2002)
In a way, I sort of feel sorry for poor Dana Carvey; not just because he was born with a girly name but because his acting career officially tanked after this movie came out. It wasn't straight to video but might as well have been. You know, he might've taken a cue from other former SNL casters like Will Ferrell but instead he decided to use the same old bag of tricks. It's like he stepped out of a funny box into a well, not so funny box. Maybe he's afraid of the big bad world of comedy that lives out there.
At the very least he could've stayed in the funny box.
At the very least he could've stayed in the funny box.
Son of the Mask (2005)
Alan Cumming's a good actor, I have to say (despite his unfortunately funny last name) and I'm sure he had a good ol' time playing Loki (The Trickster God) but not even Alan could save this rotten tomato. The original version with Jim Carrey was the kind of looney that only he could pull off successfully. Jim didn't need cute babies or strange patent vinyl bondage outfits to be funny, just some inspired insanity, a goofy grin, some green face paint and a pretty snazzy suit, hat and tie.
Like mama always said: You can't be 'smokin' if you're firing a pop gun.
Like mama always said: You can't be 'smokin' if you're firing a pop gun.
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
The MPAA says: Rated R for crude sexual / bizarre humor (and for strong language). How many times will you ever see a movie whose content is rated using those 2 words together? It's the word association game. They say sexual and bizarre, your brain thinks: What could possibly be so bizarre about it? Honestly? Nothing, except Tom Green with a permanent case of foot-in-mouth disease. Mr. Green Eggs and Canadian Bacon just cannot do comedy. Kind of like how Ron White can't do comedy.
This is a textbook case of The Man Who Knew Too Little.
This is a textbook case of The Man Who Knew Too Little.
All Babes Want to Kill Me (2005)
Tagline: Come Celebrate the Cruelty. I think that about sums this one up, except for, you know, the part about celebrating. The premise of this very weird movie is that a martial artist (of some reknown) becomes afflicted with a disease that makes all beautiful women want to kill him. It might be more interesting if that were meant as a pun but instead, this sick fellow decides to go on a suicide run to find his one true flower amongst the raging swarm of bees. Ahh, the things we do for love.
Did I mention that the principle actor is also the writer, director AND probably the producer too?
Did I mention that the principle actor is also the writer, director AND probably the producer too?
Orgy of The Dead (1965)
Yes, yes we all know what kind of drugs Ed Wood was on when he did this and (unfortunately) many other of his now infamously kooky films. That's why Johnny Depp played him in a movie: sane people always make the best nuts. Ed O'Neill for example. There's not much to say about this movie that hasn't already been said about "Plan 9 From Outer Space" 5yrs prior. It embodies all that you would want from bargain bin cheese: it looks strange, probably has some mold, smells awful and is guaranteed to make you cringe in disgust.
If this film really was a cheese, it'd be Limburger.
If this film really was a cheese, it'd be Limburger.
Weekend at Bernie's 2 (1993)
Why not the original you ask? Because the original was at least somewhat funny. I mean what isn't funny about turning a dead guy into your own personal human puppet? The problem was in doing a sequel to a movie about a dead guy in which he is now only partially dead. This is where the Voodoo comes in. And of course, the music. Did I mention he only comes to life at the sound of music and has conviently gone and hidden his loot in the Virgin Islands? It might've been more convincing if they'd been on a subway train in New York.
If there's ever a "Weekend at Bernie's III" I can only hope that the film canister suddenly bursts into flames.
If there's ever a "Weekend at Bernie's III" I can only hope that the film canister suddenly bursts into flames.
I would throw in another one. "Leonard, Part 6" starred Bill Cosby. It was supposed to be a superhero comedy. It ended up being an unfunny piece of feces that killed Bill Cosby's film career. Hell, even Bill hated how the movie turned out!
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