Worst types of farts

This is the fart that comes out during a burst of laughter. It's almost as if your ass is laughing at the joke as well and just couldn't help itself. The fart is normally very short, but with intense volume. The fart is commonplace at work, or gatherings that involve name tags. It's also strange that this particular fart gets no response from innocent bystanders. Everyone seems to act as if the fart never took place at all.

We all know this one. The doer is usually thinking he can sneak this one out without being notice. Oh how far from the truth he is. Usually the most powerful farts in the world are of this class. It's as if the asshole opens up so much that no constriction of the air could occur to create a noise. A common warning that you have just released a silent killer is the intense heat accompanied with the fart. Scientist have reluctantly proven that the temperature of one of these silent killers can reach 264 degrees at sea level. When one of these monsters leaves your body, stop what you are doing and run like hell.

Theories about this fart are abundant, but NASA recently published an article in fart weekly that seems to explain it's behavior. This is sortof a "premature fart." When these farts are released, a very pungent aroma permeates the area. The doer then walks away from ground zero into another area. When this movement occurs, the fart realizes that it's creator is abandoning him. Instinctively the fart tries to return to it's home, following the doer endlessly. This creates very widespread damage that can reach epidemic levels.

I can almost guarantee you this. Every fart in all of the world since the dawn of man smells exactly the same when combined with water. I don't know why, but they almost always sound the same as well. It sounds like a ducks last gasp for air before it dies. And the smell...I don't have to describe it because everybody in the whole freaking world has already smelled it this week!

As made famous by the movie "Along came Polly"
This has happened to me several times. You see, I love to fart. I think deep down people like to hear them, so I am happy to oblige my talents to them. Because of my willingness to share my farts, I try to make them more than what they are. I am good at turning a small poot into a monster earbending mass of shit air. In order to do this (yes it is a talent) You must simultaneously increase the force of the air in your loins whilst squeezing your asshole as tight as you can. Then when the force is at it's greatest, you gently loosen the ass crimping. Common sense will tell you that the smaller the air hole is, the louder the fart will be when it is released.

The problem with sharts is that they are always a surprise. Of course they are!! No one would deliberately shit themselves unless they are on that asian shit site on the internet. My problem is that I am very forceful with my farts, so by the time I realize it's a shart it's waaaayyy to late.

Last time it happened was at my then girlfriends apartment. Her sister Kari was hanging out in the main room. I was in the bedroom reading on the bed. I felt some building momemtum in my intestines so I wanted to share it with Kari in the other room. Well...before I knew it I was sitting in a pile of my own shit right there on my girlfriends bed. Meanwhile Kari yells "Wow...really? Good one dude." Little did she know how good it was. Now I was in a predicament. I had to get to the bathroom to clean myself and eliminate any evidence of the shart. I had to walk by Kari in the main room to get to the bathroom. Since so much crap came out when I farted, I couldn't walk without leaving a trail of poop. I had to take off my boxers in the bedroom and carefully wrap them to keep them from leaking, and then put on my bluejeans and get shit on them, then walk to the bathroom. Well, somehow I pulled it off without her knowing. But of course I was so proud of my sneaky act that I informed her later of my feat. To this day she is still in awe of my nastiness.

This one happens to most people about once every 5 years or so. Somehow someway...the stars align...and the smart smells good. Fruity usually. I'm not sure if it's a wierd combination of foods or what, but if I ever figure out what strange recipe creates one of these delightful air pastries I will let the OML community know asap. If there is anyone out there that has smell good farts all the time, unless your name is Jessica Alba, let me know.