Weird Words That Should Come Back to Everyday English

It all boils down to puberty, people...that magical period when we go from thinking “(insert gender here) are gross” to “(insert gender here) are all I can think about”. Altrigenderism is what we mean when we talk about that surge of teenaged emotions that spawns films like “American Pie”. I strongly suggest the makers of the inevitable fourth installment of that particular series consider the title: “American Pie: Altrigenderism Revisited”. Ooh…there’s a terrified touch of Jane Austin just waiting to be coaxed from its reinforced bunker.

Quite simply, “baby worship”. If the marketing and advertising teams at GapKids aren’t on this concept, they’re clearly crazy. As I contemplated this word I felt compelled to google the term “baby worship”, and the results did not disappoint. Few things please me as much as seeing the phrase “diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, dum, dum, dum” appear on Google’s top results. In this case, the offender is an online text of a novel titled “Barchester Towers”, by Anthony Trollope. I am also of the opinion that “trollop” is a word that’s long overdue to return to popular use, but that’s another list entirely.

One experiences compurgation when one is proven right. It’d be great if those weapons of mass destruction could materialize solely for the purpose of forcing President Bush to attempt to say this word while addressing the nation. I feel obliged to point out that “compurgation” is the only word on this list that Microsoft Word does not flag as a spelling error. Microsoft is obviously leading the charge. Or perhaps they have the WMDs.

You’re dorty if you’re a cranky bastard. This adjective applies to millions of Americans before their Starbucks fix. Or Dunkin’ Donuts. Take your pick.

If you are fortunate enough to experience euania, you are not dorty without your morning caffeine. Euania is the phenomenon of waking up easily. No stumbling and cursing because you forgot to close the blinds the night before. No crippling need to hit the snooze button thirty five times. No verbally and/or physically abusing those who stand between you and the coffee maker, or the liquor cabinet if you’re a really late riser. In my experience, euania is a rare phenomenon. Then again, it might be attainable if I stop going to bed at 3 am.

In the worst of summer’s heat and humidity my poor overworked fans attempt in vain to flabellate me. Now, I know it sounds like it should be some sort of fetish sexual violation, but I’m sorry to disappoint: it’s only cooling someone off. Still, it would be brilliant if the next time you’re in a stuffy subway, you complain very loudly about the lack of flabellation. In my next life, all my flabellation will be courtesy of central air conditioning.

Got milk? You’re a galactophagist. Now, I cannot imagine why this word is not incorporated in that never-ending advertising campaign. Picture a milk moustache on baby Suri and beneath: “Got Galactophagy?” Sure, it sounds like some sort of obscure Scientologist practice involving Photoshopping white crap onto a baby’s upper lip, but it’s got fad potential. Note to the Got Milk? powers that be: I trust I’ll be seeing royalties for this.

No, it’s not the name of Larry Flynt’s newest magazine. It’s a stay-at-home Dad; the man who trades his tool belt and tackle box for a Swiffer and a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Quite frankly, I think a henhussy’s considerably sexier than anything old Larry has ever concocted. But I’d draw the line at Larry Flynt in a French Maid’s costume. Oh, dear. I’ve gone too far.

An inchling is a wee version of something that will someday no longer be wee. I believe anything in inchling stage is cute by nature. Admit it: you cooed at the baby Raptors in “Jurassic Park”, didn’t you? Sure you did, because they were inchlings. But once they started to pack on further inches they stopped being cute and started terrorizing children in large kitchens. This is why we need to initiate the practice of Bonsai Raptors, people.

It sounds rather “Star Wars”, but in the end, to jargogle is to screw something up. It’s entirely possible that you, in a lack of euania, have jargogled something and then gone all dorty about it. See? They’re rolling off my fingers already.

If you believe beauty isn’t only skin deep, then you believe in kalon. Kalon is just a fancy way of saying “something or someone that will never make it into women’s magazines”.

Ligan is anything tossed into a body of water and marked so that it can be picked up in the future. I’m thinking…the ocean, a permanent marker, and your garden variety politician. Or perhaps E!’s method of punishment for celebrities on their “worst dressed” lists.

A mab is someone who dresses in a shabby fashion, particularly a woman. I expect that paparazzi shots of any actress in sweat pants will result in ligan when sold to E!.

You nonnock when you engage in time-wasting activities. 99.9% of the Internet is dedicated to the fine art of nonnocking, particularly when one should be doing something for which one is paid. I think it’s now standard in most employment contracts.

An ollapodrida is a rather haphazard collection of things. One might apply it to the term “a motley crew”, which obviously suggests that Ollapodrida is the name under which Mötley Crüe should reform. It may also apply to their entire back catalogue.

The gym. I now look forward to hearing utterances of “I’m late for my spinning class at the palaestra!” and “Awesome, this palaestra’s got yogalates.” No, I fib. The most my local palaestra offers is a collection of ancient treadmills, perhaps powered by man’s earliest attempt at the wheel, and a bench onto which countless large men have perspired profusely. Mmm, isn’t exercise lovely?

To be quisby is to be in a state of bankruptcy. It’s simply more appealing than admitting you’ve gone broke. “Dear oh dear, I’m fair quisby, old bean.” Doesn’t it sound charming?

If you’ve ever returned something broken or just generally crap to the point of purchase, you’ve engaged in redhibition. I understand that when creating Walmart, redhibition policies predated the actual choice of merchandise to be sold. Allegedly, of course.

Oddly enough, this is a verb, as in the act of weeding a garden. However, when I began researching this word, I misread and thought that it was a noun, as in a plant considered a weed. I became very excited, because I thought it would make a fantastic new euphemism for marijuana. Alas, it’s not to be, but the concept of sarcling one’s garden still has some appeal. If you’re one of those people.

If you’ve slogged through high school and made it to college, you’re a tanquam. This qualifies you to become quisby, enjoy the occasional “sarcle” (what the hell, let’s make it a euphemism anyway), and nonnock when you should be in class.

Somebody working beneath you is an underspurleather. Now, don’t get carried away. I mean “beneath” as in someone who is in your employment or someone whom you manage. It doesn’t matter how kinky all the spurs and leather may seem.

Surprise! A flash flood has created a vlei where that parking lot used to be, a burst pipe has turned your basement into a vlei, or the entire state of New Jersey shall someday become a stagnant vlei (which will be returning to its roots, really). If you can figure out how to pronounce this word, you are as big a geek as me.

Pigged out, perhaps after a sarcle-induced binge? If you’re stuffed, you’ve got a wamefu: a full stomach. Everybody’s always on about how obese America’s become, and now it’s Australia, and one by one every country with access to McDonald’s is joining in on the trend. So let’s celebrate our gluttony with a return to the days of wamefu.

I am including this word solely because when reading its definition, which is essentially giving a gift to a guest, the first thing that popped into my mind was a mathom--that fine hobbit tradition. I’m two words away from finishing this list and I lack the self control to make it through the full twenty-six without some sort of “The Lord of the Rings” reference. God save my soul.

An alternate term for having sex. As in “Dude, we yentzed all night”. If we’ve already hit Tolkien and pot, was sex really far behind? And if you’ll permit me to return to altrigenderism for one moment, I believe there is a place for the verb “yentz” in any future “American Pie” scripts, as well.

It’s a raisin. Quite frankly, I dearly miss The California Raisins and I think that if Mötley Crüe can resurrect as Ollapodrida, The California Raisins can certainly return as The California Zibebs. But why limit themselves? The West Coast Zibebs works just as well, or perhaps even better: The American Zibebs. Think of the potential for the franchise! I see Kiss-esque merchandise, and at least one feature film: “The Zibebs Do America”.