Things I will or would probably NEVER do

In the pompous words of a friend of mine--"As a man of God, I believe enough that my body is a temple that it does not need embellishment." My less lofty reason for never having wanted a tattoo is that I'm fickle. I change my tastes monthly if not weekly. I'm also a committment phobe. It took me long enough to get married. I won't say at what age I got married, but in Japan I would have been considered a spinster. I can't imagine committing to one image for the rest of my life. If a toddler was able to get a tattoo he'd be stuck with a Tinkywinky tat for the rest of his/her life. I've done the research online and 'in the field' and haven't found one person who doesn't regret getting a tat eventually. I scoured message boards and saw hundreds of desperate people trying to find effective and affordable tat removal methods. From what I gathered there are none. I did this research because my husband had an ex-girlfriend's nickname tattooed on his ankle and I was tired of looking at it and wondering how stupid he could have been to do that. Do your future wife/husband a favor and just say No

I will never eat rocks or roll naked in a pile of dirt, but I want to. If you've never heard of pica, it's time you did. Most people know that a lot of pregnant women have unusual cravings. They can crave plaster, drywall, cornstarch, etc. Pica is the craving for non-food items. I had this while I was pregnant and unfortunately it has continued long after the baby was born. It is due to Iron deficiency. There are actually women who have this so bad that they actually eat dirt! I know because I've read it on message boards. These are the things I crave: rocks, concrete, dirt, pine sol, dry laundry detergent, ice, and snow. There are also some women that eat bar soap. It is with downright lust that I look at nature and I fantasize about rolling naked in the dirt. I do have restraint and would never actually do it. Okay, I would if I thought no one would see me and it would make the craving go away. Now you know my dirty little secret.

I have taken an unofficial poll and have never found a single man who would be willing to wear a Pecker's thong so I know I'm in good company when I say I would never wear a Hooter's t-shirt. I've heard people say that Hooter's is a great family restaurant. All I can say is--what kind of family did you grow up in?

I don't know where it is written in the middle-aged suburban housewife fashion instruction manual, but it's awful! I'm convinced Walmart must play subliminal tapes telling them"must shop at walmart and buy capri pants and a cheap knock off of keds" That four inches of fat ankle is NOT sexy.

I can only remember a few jokes like this one: Did you hear about the cowboy who got V.D. in his eye? He was looking for love in all the wrong places. Har har.

Okay, I was never THIS skinny, but I have made peace with the fact that I will never be a size 3 again. Most of us were all skinny and a size 0 -3 when we were what--twelve?

Bigger is not always better--or at least that is what people say who don't have bigger.

Regrets are ugly. I'd rather live regretting things I've done, rather than things I didn't do.