Seven Fun Days on MySpace

Tailor your profile to shed light on a fictitious quirk of your personality, such as a disturbing fascination with gardening tools, deep obsession for Swedish boy bands, or borderline down pillow fetish. Send friend requests to high school classmates, thereby forcing them to rethink their entire history with you.

Search tirelessly for the profile of Tom Kruse, inventor of the Hoveround scooter for the rather elderly, based solely on the fact that his name is pronounced exactly like that famous Hollywood gnome. If none is found, contact the Hoveround company and request he create one. If necessary, form a MySpace group dedicated to bringing the real Tom Kruse to MySpace.

Choose a celebrity whose identity is faked in several profiles, such as British bad boy Sean Bean. Pit individual faux Beans against one another through clever insinuations in comments and messages, until you’ve ignited a full-blown fake celebrity war with a delightful Dissociative Identity Disorder quality.

If he’s using a fake persona to date women on Facebook, you know he’s on MySpace with a pimpin’ profile. Just look for a guy with every imaginable potentially fatal sporting activity listed in his interests. References to unusually touchy-feely yet non-homosexual relationships with male former co-workers-turned-friends and any meme entries about open-mouth kissing said friends in public are a dead giveaway.

Find a fantastically pornographic comment graphic, preferably hentai or smutty fantasy illustration involving a busty blonde bending over, and post it on a wildly inappropriate profile. Presidential candidates and charity organizations are good places to start. If questioned, claim it was yet another MySpace bug.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Create your own fake celebrity profile, but choose a celebrity nobody else has any desire to fake. Roleplay said celebrity to a creepy degree. Suggested people I hesitate to even call celebrities: Robert Blake, Pauly Shore, Yanni, or the entire (remaining) cast of “Laugh In”. For an even greater challenge, roleplay somebody who was at one time exposed to a celebrity, such as a roadie for Hanson.

Choose an abhorrent song from an equally abhorrent musician and put it on your profile. My suggestion is anything by Engelbert Humperdinck. Post a bulletin to alert all your friends of the great new song on your profile and ask that they check it out. If questioned, act deeply offended and refuse to speak to the questioner for at least two weeks. (Four weeks if the music selected is anything by Herman’s Hermits.)