My Favorite Stand-Up Comics

"What is it, Dr. Heimlich, you waking-up type person?"

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

RIP, Mitch

"Also, if you throw a midget into a tub of hot water, he makes sleepy-time tea! Aww, isn't that great? A big tub of camomille, thanks Mr. Scoops."

"Did you know that they're actually coming out now with another Friday the 13th movie? Can you believe that? Those kids are so easy to kill. You can strangle them with a cordless phone, you know what I'm talkin' about?"

"When you need to remove yourself from your group of friends to come up with a strategy for sounding sober enough to be served more alcohol...the fun is behind you."

"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

"Chip chop chip."

"...has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy..."

"Turn off your wipers. It's not raining, you're in the ocean."