I Can't Believe You Shot It's Dick Off or The Geezer Goes A-Hunting

He is not there to kill Bambi or Bambi’s mom or aunt or niece or anything with minimal horns. What he is seeking is the “great stag of the forest”. Therefore, he doesn’t shoot at anything smaller than the mythical “Tirty point” buck. The real intent is to spend 10 days away from home, “bonding” with the guys and maybe bring home a rack that has nothing to do with bra size.

The Geezer fell asleep against a tree, obviously hunting is hard work. He woke up to find a sweet, little buck foraging near him. He quietly hoisted his trusty weapon and let loose a shot. It hit the deer in the chest. He shot a second and third time. The deer just stood there, looking at him with it’s soulful big, brown eyes and long eyelashes. Finally, in desperation, the Geezer shot low, poor little Bambi, I mean Bambi-ette. There was nothing left to live for. Evidently, he felt so good about it, he’s managed to shoot another one in the same anatomical place. Not many want to hunt in the same neck of the woods with the Geezer, they seem concerned about the safety of their privates.

He only needs $100. In 29 years, the amount has never changed. I wish I could find some place fun to go for 10 days and only spend $100. He tells me he spends the $100 on food, I thought they were supposed to kill the food.

Or soap, or clean underwear & socks; much less deodorant or a razor. So, you ask, what the hell is in his pack? His beloved .44 Magnum; “the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?” He is a manly man!

If you and your best buddy shoot at the same deer at the exact same time and you can’t tell who actually killed it; you split it down the middle and mount ½ of a set of antlers. YUP, it is true! Check my garage.

1. Potatoes
2. Onions
3. Great hunks of store bought meat
4. Fruit? Nah, that's for pansies
5. Vegetables? Hey, we have potatoes and onions
6. Salad? What? Ya gotta be kiddin me!
7. Beer – Oh yeah, hops is a vegetable.
8. Fat of some sort
One would have thought that if they are going out to kill, they wouldn’t find it necessary to bring saran wrapped Wal Mart meat.

Lesson learned; Geezer thought he was being clever and used the food processor to slice the potatoes before he went, not so clever he ended up with very black mush and onions to eat with the venison; for 10 days. YUM!! Serves him right!!

Bonus Recipe for you OMLers : One can of peeled, baby potatoes, drain, drop individual potatoes into hot grease, cook until brown, drain, salt and drown with squeeze Parkay – Heaven! At least according to the Geezer.

This camp had a bunkhouse, no lights. They idiots did not take a flashlight. They only had a Coleman lantern which is a pain in the butt to light. After they had settled in for the evening and put out the lantern, a hellacious noise arose. It sounded as if a giant rat was gnawing into the ice chest. The poor deer slayers were terrified! They did not want a giant rat gnawing on their jugular veins if they fell asleep. They threw everything in reach at the offending vermin, wherever it was. The pros and cons of touching off a .300 Winchester Mag into the corner were carefully weighed. Finally all was quiet. After a fitfull night of sleep, they investigated in the morning. With shoes on and weapons in hand they found the remains of a Styrofoam cup, thoroughly chewed. They would be ready the next evening. Scrounging through the other cabins, they found a mouse trap. Later that evening they loaded the trap with the remains from a Dinty Moore corned beef hash can that was served at breakfast. They knew the trap would not kill the killer rat, but they hoped it would smack it on the nose and make it leave. After the lantern was extinguished, the beast again started it’s menacing chomping. Then “Smack”, and all was quiet. Another fitfull night of sleep protecting their jugular veins. Finally, dawn. They leapt from their sleeping bags to investigate, and with guns in hand, a 2” mouse lay dead in the trap. This turned out to be the biggest kill of that year.

Then there was the night one of the cousins was up looking to see what idiot left their generator running all night. Hmm…no generators were on. The offending noise was tracked to a camp trailer where he discovered the Geezer…snoring.

So the Geezer and his bud are back. They decide, after copious amounts of Jack Daniels, that they can butcher as well as any jerk at the processors. As the bud’s wife and I look on in amazement and amusement, the bud holds up a leg, cuts off a hunk and says, “this looks like a roast to me, toss this in the roast pile”, then he holds up the same leg, cuts off another hunk and says, “this looks like a steak to me, toss it in the steak pile”… My favorite quote of that evening; the bud asking “Ok, John, which is the steak pile and which is the roast pile?” I think it all ended up as jerky.

Does a Geezer shit in the woods? Well, of course he does. So, the question remains, is this a deer repellent or attractant? I have experienced the aftermath of a Geezer dump. I vote for repellent; however, the debate rages on amongst the deer woods camp population.

One of the kids always ended up in the ER, then that required a follow up trip to the pediatrician in Springfield.

The Geezer never had to help smoke the 90 turkeys our youth group sold as a fund-raiser.

Then there is the time his silver truck magically turned into a red truck while he was gone.
http://www.onmylist.com/category/autos/Pams_cars_from_1969_to_present_
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The mom and kids are happily watching City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold; kind of a ghost story. The Geezer is due home tomorrow. All is well, until…the Geezer peers into the little door window just as Jack Palance is peering into Billy Crystal’s window and everybody gets the poo scared out of them, Billy, the kids, me… Jeez! Glad to see ya hon – NOT!!

It’s a nice afternoon. I am hosting a bridal shower for a friend, several of whom had not met my husband. The Geezer is due home the next day. But it was going to rain and he didn’t want to get wet, so home he comes…bursting into my party carrying his weapon, muddy and incredibly stinky, 10 days w/o bathing, brushing or changing clothes – such a great impression. Jeremiah Johnson joins the party. Jeez! Glad to see ya hon – NOT!! Just come home when you are supposed to.

Although initially the youngest in deer camp, he is now the oldest and truly a Geezer. Just ask the youngins. I'm sure there will be more stories come November...