Top 15 "celebrities" I would most like to punch in the face and the reasons why! (now with infuriating photos!)

Yes, Criss, we know you're punk-rock, with your dyed-black hair and your blinged-out handcuff necklace. If the amount of makeup a magician wore was directly proportional to how good their illusions were, then you would be awesome, but since that's not the case, you can just ride David Blaine's coattails a little more.

I actually think he is probably a pretty nice guy. The only reason he's on here is because he's dated all my ex-girlfriends, and I don't really appreciate that. You know, girls like Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jordana Brewster, Vanessa Minnillo, and former Miss Universe Lara Dutta. Damn you Jeter, damn you.

Despite all of his conspiracy theories and discriminatory comments, I have agreed with him at times. However, the comment that got to me was this one from 2002, which also caused ABC to deny his show Politically Incorrect another season: "We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly. Stupid maybe, but not cowardly." And to top it off, he dressed up as Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin for Halloween 2006, less than two months after Irwin had been killed by a stingray. Maher's distasteful costume included Irwin's signature khaki safari clothes and a bloody stingray barb protruding from his chest. If that doesn't warrant a punch in the face, I don't know what does. I would be a little afraid to hit him for fear of breaking my hand on his thick skull though.

I think Kanye needs a pacifier instead of a microphone because he is a total baby. Remember the stunned look on Mike Myers' face when Kanye proclaimed, "George Bush doesn't care about black people," during what was supposed to be a Red Cross Hurricane Katrina relief concert in 2005? Or when he jumped onstage at the 2006 MTV Europe Music Awards when his video for "Touch the Sky" didn't win best video? Here's a rap for him: "Shut your mouth Kanye, this ain't the time or the place / You act so immature, I wanna punch you in the face!"

You know, the guy with the rainbow-colored question mark suit (no, not the Riddler) who runs around like he just did a pound of crystal meth telling you about government grant money you can get to do things like start your own business or market an invention? I half expect him to suddenly blurt out a recipe for meth in a tourrettes-like, forehead-vein-popping, red-faced, spit-spewing rant that crescendos to his head exploding in a fountain of question marks. The main reason Andy Dick is not on this list is that he did a hilarious parody of Lesko on his show in which he ran around in an exclamation point suit screaming, "Free!" I think at one point he was describing how to get free food while he was inside a restaurant dumpster digging for scraps. Maybe I should call Lesko and inform him of a great place to get free punches in the face: It's called my fist. He should put it in his book.

Oh, the lovely-locked ex-frontman for the "religious" tinged rock band Creed. He is a cocky son of a bitch who over-dramatizes every song and video he is in. His signature move is to stand with one foot up on a monitor speaker (in concert) or a rock (in videos) and clench his fists in front of him as the wind blows his shirt open and his hair back. Then he sings some shitty lyrics to a shitty song off an incredibly consistently shitty album. Scott Stapp, Scott Stapp, let down your hair, so that we may punch your face for those leather pants you wear.

The oil heir with oily hair, Greasy Bear looks like he has foregone the bath water in favor of a tub full of daddy's Texas tea. He has a penchant for clubbing, but many times gets denied at the velvet rope (I imagine the huge bouncer pointing at a sign that reads, "No douchebags allowed.") Scoffing at Lindsay Lohan for only being worth $7 million won't win him any points either. It's just a way for Davis to make himself feel better about using a mechanic's oil rag for a washcloth and Vaseline as hair gel. I imagine when I punch him in the face it would look like that boxing montage from the end of Rocky IV when you just see the slow-mo of the gloved fist making contact with the face, and the glove sort of glances off the side of the head since it's sweaty while more sweat and spit spray off in the other direction and the mouthpiece slowly exits the mouth and flies off the screen.

I know, I know: The ladies love him, or at least they used to. He actually used to be cool...I think. Remember that line from Dazed and Confused: "I get older, they stay the same age." That was pretty cool, at least in the movie. Now, he has devolved into some sort of dirty ape-like hippy who doesn't like to bathe or wear deodorant or cologne. And those acting skills, wow! Would I be going too far if I said he was the greatest actor of all time? I mean, it must take so much concentration to sound exactly the same all the time. He must have gone to school with Keanu and Costner (but Costner can get away with it because he actually is cool). And seriously, Matt, I know you like to work out and you're in really good physical condition, but put a fucking shirt on please.

I am so sick of his "wetback" and Mexican jokes. Of course, that is the only material he can come up with by himself, since everything else is stolen from other comedians, probably the most famous of which is Bill Cosby. So he is basically an unoriginal thief, and to make matters worse, I was flipping channels the other day and saw that he was wearing the exact same shirt that I own. It really made me mad because I liked that shirt, but now I'll have to burn it or something. Joe Rogan, you should have punched Mencia in the face when you had the chance.

I don't know that I can fully explain why to anyone, but I hate Nickelback. I'm pretty sure it's Chad Kroeger's face that really makes my blood boil, but it could also be the fact that half of their songs sound exactly the same and some even use the same chord progressions. The lyrics are absolutely ridiculous as well, and it makes me wonder how they keep selling the same album over and over. They should have stayed a cover band, then at least they would have good variety, although I wouldn't put it past them to try to pass off a whole set of just one song over and over. I just have to say a quick thank you to the people of Portugal who pelted Nickelback with rocks at a 2002 concert. So, thanks Portugal.

I don't have a problem with religion in general, it's when people take it way too far that it becomes an issue. This is a collective entry of people who all need a super-size knuckle sandwich:

A. L. Ron Hubbard: smart in all the wrong ways. Fell off the deep end by founding the Church of Scientology, which is the most fucked up system of beliefs I've ever heard (thetans and silent births? Really, Ron?) Thanks for fucking up Hollywood, buddy.

B. Jerry Falwell: Too late for this one. By the way, Tinky Winky is NOT gay.

C. Pat Robertson: Oh please, please, Mr. Robertson...Please let me be a member of The 700 Club! Ha ha, just kidding. You are a whack job.

D. Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker: I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted...

E. Fred Phelps and Shirley Phelps-Roper: The founder of Westboro Baptist Church and one of his eight daughters. They are the ones who picket at the funerals of American soldiers. Look it up for yourself because I'm too pissed off to explain any further.

More political than religious, she still needs some teeth knocked out for some of her comments, like: "If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether." Wow. I can't stand her face, I can't stand her voice, I can't stand her argumentative nature and unwillingness to take criticism for all of the hairbrained crap that seeps out of her mouth.

Yeah, the Gotti boys (the grandsons of John Gotti) are girly morons, but the real tools are all the guys on LeeHotti.com. CAUTION: Don't go to that site if you like your computer monitor, because chances are you will put your fist through it after about five minutes. Some are juicers; all look like girls dressed up as guys. I picture them hanging out at a gay bar called The Toolbox. They all should have been blowjobs.

A mess of a human being, and a fine example of why guys should not have plastic surgery (Is that the look you're striving for, Axl?). His comedy is so lame; I'm not sure how he ever got famous. Do a Google Image search for him; nearly every image that comes up is of him flexing in some way or another. It seems since he took up bodybuilding, he will do anything to show off the guns in pictures. Most of the time his M.O. is to put one arm around whoever he's in the picture with and point at them with the other hand, therefore getting his bicep into prime flex position. If he is by himself in a picture, he usually just makes the peace sign at about waist level to get the same effect. He walked by me in Vegas once and I had to punch myself in the face to keep from attempting to beat him to a pulp and getting myself thrown out of the casino. Also, the tops of carrots are green, idiot.

Dear Mr. Cruise,

Dammit, Tom, I love Top Gun and now I can't watch it like I used to. When I watch movies like Risky Business, Cocktail, or The Outsiders, which used to be cool, it's as awkward as watching Seinfeld reruns with lots of Kramer appearances. You are a mixed-up, arrogant prick. Matt Lauer and I may not know the history of psychiatry, but I know enough to know that you are a few cushions short of a full couch. I think movies were much better before you ejected from the fighter plane of sanity. Please go away and never come back, or I will not show you the money, but I will show you my fist in your face. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.

Regretfully yours,

Justin Wyrsch, former fan

P.S. Eating placenta is gross.