If I Were an Animals

It takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to commute to where I'm supposed to be. When I was trudging through a subway tunnel to get from the D to the 7, a bird flew through and it looked neat, because they didn't have much room and had to be in soar mode so they could keep from hitting the ceiling.

I'm normally not one of those people who dream they could fly, but when it comes to having to walk all over the place, then yeah, I would like to fly. I think I'm a better flapper than I am a walker. I have stronger armpits.

It'd be good to be a cat because they're known for cleaning up after themselves. I have high expectations for cats because they're supposed to pee where they're supposed to, and they can clean themselves. I would like to be able to pee where I'm supposed to. If they can do that, then they're in the good. That's the only time I would feel comfortable with someone with their head in their own crotch. If i saw a person with their head in their crotch, and I knew they were taking care of themselves, I would be proud of my pet store decision skills.

One morning my cat was sitting on my lap because we are both cold in the morning. But when he left, I realized there was a faint fecal smell, and I couldn't find where on me he left it. It was frustrating. I was so disappointed in my cat, knowing he hadn't had his face in his crotch long enough. He was not in the good.

It would be strange to be a dog. Smell is how they process most of their reality. Maybe they use a sonar system, bouncing B.O. off objects as they navigate a room. It makes me wonder though: for sensitive noses, they have their face in a lot of weird places. I'd have to really, really like a person before i could put my face in someone's ass. Really, really like them. Maybe having a really sensitive nose, you could smell some magical things. Maybe a dog could smell your soul, and the soul is purest in the crotch area.

Fifteen minutes ago, someone behind me was making sex noises and it sounded like a seal. Seals at a business meeting would just sound like an orgy. No, I would not like to be a seal--especially a business seal.